The Art of Starting Over

Going to Crow’s meant Hayden had something to lose.

When Sofia passed away, Hayden had gone through the “I’m never going to love again” stage. Mostly, he meant it. He didn’t want Conor to get hurt. Hayden didn’t care about his own well-being, only his son’s. He could easily live the next ten years without dating or being in a relationship.

That was, until he ran into Devorah.

She was the shift for him. The light at the end of a never-ending tunnel of blackness. Even when she had her darkest days, his were bright because of her. Without even knowing it, she had given him hope. Devy gave him something to look forward to each day.

She was also a challenge.noveldrama

Hayden knew she wasn’t ready for any type of relationship, at least not the type he’d want. He’d already had his time to mourn the loss of his wife and had come to terms with his future as a single dad. Her wounds were fresh and still bleeding. Coupled with the anxiety of knowing that everyone knew about everyone else’s business, Devy needed time to heal.

He’d hoped to give her that time, but with Chad in town and showing everyone at Crow’s funeral that they were a family, Hayden’s time was running out. Taking most of Lee’s advice, Hayden hopped into his truck and sped over to Crow’s. He parked in what he considered his normal spot along the curb and stared at Chad’s car, nestled behind Devorah’s. They matched with their Illinois license plates, which squeezed Hayden’s heart a bit. He also wondered why the busy hotshot finance guy had driven all this way from Chicago rather than flying.

After getting out, he walked around the fence, avoided the gate, and climbed the steps, only to pause when he heard raised voices. The right thing to do would be to turn around and head back to his truck, call Devy, and plead his case, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

Hayden sat in one of the white rockers and eavesdropped, waiting to hear the words that would send him back to his truck. If Devorah chose to go back to her husband, then Hayden would respect her decision, whether or not he agreed with it. They had years of history and a daughter together. Devy and Hayden had a couple of moments and one fabulous night, which had ended up being the night her father passed away.

He sighed and felt what little energy he had left dissipate. Even if Dev stayed, their night of passion would be marred by the passing of Crow. Devy would never forget the aftermath, no matter how hard she tried. Hayden either.

Maybe their short-lived relationship was all that was in the cards for them.

Maybe there was a reason their middle and high school make-out sessions had gone no further.

Maybe you need to stop looking for excuses and give her a chance.

Hayden could come up with an entire list of maybes when he was desperate, but the one that kept nagging him was that if Devorah didn’t want to be with him, she wouldn’t have been.

Voices rose, and he didn’t even attempt to ignore them. If Devorah got mad at him for sitting there, he’d take the punishment. Besides, he had a few things to say to Chad, and he’d use that as an excuse to sit there and wait.

What he heard made his stomach turn and revolt. It threatened to heave its contents all over the porch. Chad wanted—no, he demanded—that Devorah and Maren return to Chicago with him to be a family while he continued his relationship with Ester.

Hayden’s blood boiled. He gripped the side of the rocker, the whites of his knuckles painfully exposed. It took everything in him to not go into the house and confront Chad. This wasn’t the time nor the place, nor was this his battle. It was Devorah’s, and from what he could hear, she was holding her own.

Each time Devorah told Chad to sign the divorce papers, Hayden smiled. This was a victory for her. Not for him. As her friend, Hayden wanted Devy as far away from the man who’d cheated on her as possible. Crow would want that as well. He realized then that Chad had ignored the papers Theo Sherman had sent until now.

Why not tell Devorah all this over the phone? Why show up to Crow’s funeral and make these demands? Was it because Chad felt Dev would be vulnerable and cave?

Hayden would call Colt home before he allowed that to happen. Her brother at least could reason with her, show her how Oyster Bay was a great place to raise Maren.

When Devorah asked Chad if he was still sleeping with Ester, Hayden stood. He was ready to barge in and . . . do what? Protect Devorah from the truth? She was doing a stand-up job on her own.

“You disgust me,” Devorah said. Hayden sat down, having his answer. Chad the Cad hadn’t changed a bit. He was the same guy he was in high school, only with even more money in his pocket.

Hayden had heard enough and started regretting being there. He shouldn’t be listening in, not to something like this. If Devorah wanted to, she’d tell him later.

He stood and was walking toward the stairs when he heard Maren. Where had she been this entire time?

“Are you leaving now?” Her sweet voice cracked, and another jolt shot straight to Hayden’s heart. What came after would live with Hayden for a very long time. He witnessed the agonizing cry of a child needing and wanting a parent she couldn’t have. He’d lived it when he’d had to tell Conor his mother had passed away, that she wouldn’t be there in the morning for breakfast. Hayden had been there through the sleepless nights filled with gut-wrenching sobs because all his son wanted was for his mom to tuck him in.

Tears formed, and Hayden batted them away. The urge to run in and wrap Maren in his arms pushed him to his limit. He gripped the railing to hold himself in place, to keep from embarrassing Devorah. He refused to be like Chad. Hayden would put her feelings first.

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate Ester and Rita and you. I hate you so much.”

No child should ever feel this way about their parent, and no parent should ever give their child an excuse to feel this way. This wasn’t normal. This wasn’t the run-of-the-mill “Why can’t I go out with my friends tonight?” hatred often spewed by angry teens.

No, this hatred was deep seated, and it had festered for months. All those phone calls between Chad and Maren, filled with broken promises, had finally done their job. Maren now saw her father for what he was: a selfish prick.

The door opened, and the screen door squeaked. “You’d think—” Chad froze when he came face to face with Hayden.

For a minute, neither man said anything. They appraised each other, as if sizing up one another for battle. Hayden would win. He already had when Devorah told Chad to get out.

“You must be Hayden,” Chad said as he looked Hayden up and down.

“Don’t act like you don’t know me.”

Chad lifted his shoulder just barely. “She’ll always think of me. I’ll never be far from her thoughts.”

“Nah, that’s where you’re wrong,” Hayden told him. “The only time she’ll think of you, in any capacity other than you being Maren’s father, is when she’s cleaning dog shit off her shoe. You, on the other hand, will always wonder what she’s up to and how much better off she is without you, and how you did her a favor.”

Chad scoffed but said nothing.

“You should probably go,” Hayden told him. “It’s a long drive back to Chicago, and while you may think that with Crow gone, no one will do anything, think again. The people of Oyster Bay will protect their own. Give them an excuse to run you out of town.”

Chad heaved his bag over his shoulder and shook his head. “She’ll be back,” he said as he walked past Hayden.

“I wouldn’t hold your breath.” Hayden walked toward the door. He waited for Chad to leave before knocking on a door he hadn’t knocked on in a long time.

It swung open, with a frazzled-looking Devorah on the other side. “Why are you knocking?”

Hayden looked from her to the driveway, at Chad’s receding taillights.

“How much did you hear?”

“Enough,” Hayden said as he stood on the other side of the screen. “Look, I know I shouldn’t have eavesdropped—”

“But you did.”

He nodded.

“I should be mad.”

Hayden nodded again.

“But I’m not.” Devorah pushed the door open and welcomed him inside.

“Where’s Maren?”

“Out back,” Dev told him. “She wanted to be alone.”

“I’m sorry,” Hayden said. He touched her hip and left his hand there. “This has been an epically shitty week for you.”

She ran her hands through her hair and walked toward the kitchen. “Do you want something to eat? I didn’t eat at the wake and left the second I could. I think Colt’s still there, being the dutiful son and all.”

“I’m not sure there are rules when it comes to wakes and how long you need to stay.”

“Chad—” Devorah groaned. “His presence at a time like this . . .” She shook her head. “He made my father’s funeral all about him and how he had to take time off from work to come and how he couldn’t get a flight out, so he drove the fifteen hours to be here. Let’s not forget there are no hotels in the area and no room at any of the inns, so he had no choice but to stay here.” Devorah sat in one of the chairs and rested her head in her hands.

Hayden went to the refrigerator and pulled out a casserole dish of lasagna. He plated three squares, heated them up, and set them on the table, one in front of Devorah, and then he went out back to see Maren.

She was in the middle of the tire, resting on her belly, still wearing the dress she’d worn to her grandfather’s funeral. She held a stick in her hand and was drawing lines in the dirt while her pretty dress shoes moved her and the tire swing back and forth. Cordelia couldn’t take her eyes off the stick, waiting for her friend to throw it.

Hayden leaned against the tree. He had a million things to say, but none of them sounded right. So he started with what he knew. “I was about your age when my grandma died. She was like my best friend. I’d go to her house after school, and she’d always make me cookies. Sometimes, when she had a Crafty Cathy meeting and my parents weren’t home yet, she’d take me, and all those ladies would fuss over me. We’d always go to the park or do the grocery shopping together. I spent a lot of time with her, and then one day when I get to her house, she’s not there. My dad is, and he tells me my grandma died. I didn’t get to say goodbye or tell her I loved her. She was just gone.”

“And then what?”

He turned his back against the tree and pressed into it. “And then I still walked to my grandma’s, only I didn’t go in because she wasn’t there, and my grandpa was working. I think I stood there every day for two weeks, just waiting for her to come back, even though I knew she wouldn’t. Finally, I started going to my parents’ office, but it was never the same. It took me a long time to understand how much life changes from day to day.”

“My daddy left.”

“I know,” Hayden said. “I saw.”

“He’s not very nice.”

“Being an adult can be confusing, especially for kids. We make decisions, and not everyone will understand them. Heck, sometimes we don’t even understand them.”

“He has a new family.”

That hurt Hayden to hear. He took a deep breath.

“You’ve got your mom,” Hayden said. “She’d move heaven and earth to be with you. And you’ve got your uncle Colt.”

“Yeah.”

“Know who else you have?”

Maren finally looked at Hayden and shrugged.

“You have me and Conor. My parents. My dad told me he had so much fun with you when you were at the house. He can’t wait for you to come over again.”

“Really?”

Hayden nodded. “Yep. He really likes you, Maren.”

“He’s pretty funny.”

“You’ll have to tell him that when you see him at your next game.”

She shrugged.

Hayden pushed away from the tree. “If you’re hungry, there’s lasagna on the table. Your mom’s in the kitchen, and I think she misses you.”

“Daddy made her angry.”

“Well then, I bet a hug from you would make her happy.”

Hayden went into the house and sat down. Devorah had added a garden salad and garlic bread to the table.

“This looks like the best impromptu lunch I’ve had in a while.”

“For all their faults, the CC Club knows how to take care of their own.”

“That’s for sure,” Hayden said as he raised his fork, pausing when the back door opened. Cordelia came in first and went to her water dish. Maren followed, shutting the door behind her.

Devorah turned in her chair and welcomed her daughter into her fold. They hugged for a long time, both sniffling. When they parted, Hayden put some bread on Maren’s plate and got up to get her some juice.

“Thanks for lunch, Hayden,” Maren said as she sat down.

“Thanks for joining us,” he said as he retook his seat.

While the three of them ate, Hayden’s thoughts drifted. He was in love with Devorah and already looked at Maren as part of his family. Now, he just had to find the right time to tell Devy about his feelings. Unless he was too late.