The Art of Starting Over

She had no intention of drinking the whole bottle of whiskey, but it was there to numb the thoughts in her mind and the ache she felt all over. Being made to feel worthless had debilitated her. Her body hurt. She had physical pain when she thought too much, likely due to the constant What could I have done differently? question playing on repeat. Mostly, Devorah was tired, and no amount of sleep curbed the desire to stay under her covers.

Hayden McKenna stood on the other side of the white picket fence with his hands in his pockets. On occasion, a car would drive by, illuminating him in a soft white glow. He stood there, like he’d done many moons ago.

They had dated, sort of. They had been in a situationship. One that was never public, but it wasn’t exactly a secret either. Devorah and Hayden had liked each other, but he was also Colt’s best friend, and Hayden respected that relationship. So, like all other teenagers, they sneaked around. Hayden was also afraid of Crow, and her being Crow’s daughter, no one dared cross the imaginary line without permission.

Except Chad.

Chad never seemed to care that Devy’s father was the sheriff, and a mean one at that. Crow never hesitated to put kids in their place, to give them a citation and make them appear in front of the judge (who happened to be Crow’s best friend) or handcuff them and put them in the back of his patrol car. It was his way of keeping the riffraff under control. None of those city shenanigans happened in Oyster Bay, not under Crow’s watch.

Devorah scooted over a bit on the step. When her ankle knocked into the bottle, she moved it aside and glanced toward Hayden.

“Wanna come sit?”

He nodded, reached over the gate, and undid the latch, even though he could’ve walked to the end of the driveway and around the cars. Devy found herself smiling at how formal Hayden was making the invite.

“Where’s your dad?”

“Inside, snoring in the recliner.” She gestured with her hand over her shoulder, toward the house. “If it’s quiet enough, you can hear the freight train rumbling through the house.”

“Same one from back in the day?”

Devorah chuckled. “Nah. Colt ‘accidently’ singed the seat. Crow had no choice but to replace it. Although the new one isn’t much better. It has built-in speakers, a place to hold the remote control, and an icebox for his cans.”

“He doesn’t drink Colt’s brew?”

“Ha! Are you kidding? Crow doesn’t even drink milk or watch what he eats, and don’t even think about asking if he takes vitamins. If it doesn’t come out of a silver can, the deep fryer, or the grease trap down the street, it’s not for him.”

“Hey, I happen to like the grease trap down the street.”

Devy did as well. Waiting tables at the Nest was her first job. She worked there from spring until school started again, and then she went back to cheerleading.

“Do you remember when we got caught making out in the bathroom?”

“Hey, are you almost done?” Hayden asked as he sat down at the counter. Devorah rested her elbows on the Formica top, chipped from years of abuse, and batted her long, thickly-coated-with-mascara eyelashes at him. She wanted to be his girlfriend, but he hadn’t or wouldn’t ask her out—at least not recently—because of her brother. Some stupid bro code. She should’ve taken Hayden up on the offer back in middle school.

“Yeah. Do you want something?”

Hayden eyed the back, where the grill was. Dev followed his gaze, looked back at him, and mouthed, “Bathroom?”

He smiled brightly, and she rolled her eyes but couldn’t hide her grin. They made out. A lot. Like, more than any of her friends did with their boyfriends. It was fun, being secretive and sneaky. The other day, she’d let him touch her boob, over her shirt. She teased him by saying he could touch the real thing if he asked her to be his girlfriend. Dev didn’t like giving him an ultimatum, but he was leaving for college soon, and she wanted everyone to know Hayden was finally hers.

Not that her father would ever let her go visit. Hayden was going to Idaho for school.

Wherever that was.

Devorah pushed away from the counter. She went into the back, told the head cook she was now off the clock, and punched out. In the break room, she grabbed her purse, took her apron off, and stuffed it in her bag.

As she came out, she met Hayden in the wood-paneled hall. He rushed them into the bathroom and closed the door behind Devorah.

“Did you lock it?”

“Yeah,” he said as he picked her up and set her down on the edge of the sink. He stood between her legs, pushed her work dress up, and pressed his hard-on into her.

“Hayden,” she gasped and dug her fingers into the back of his neck as he ground against her.

“Is this okay?”

She thought about saying no but nodded. This was something new for them, and she liked it.

“I can make you feel good, Devorah.”

“Not until I’m your girlfriend.”

“Okay, baby,” he said as his lips pressed into hers. Hayden moved his hips enough to send hot waves of ecstasy through Devorah. She knew exactly how classmates ended up in compromising situations. Their teenage bodies were traitors. They want, want, want, the consequences be damned.

“Oh, God, Hayden. I think . . . I don’t know . . .”

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Hayden and Devorah broke apart, both panting heavily.

“Who’s in there?”

“Shit,” Dev said as she stood and pulled her uniform down.

Hayden waited until Devorah nodded, and then he opened the door quickly, startling the person on the other side. She was one of the new girls, in Oyster Bay for the summer to make money. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open at the sight of them. There was no mistaking what Hayden and Dev had been doing in the bathroom with the door locked.

“I’m telling your dad,” the newcomer said. It took no one any time to figure out Devorah was the sheriff’s daughter. Most of the people thought they could tell her what to do or scare her by tattling. What they didn’t know was that Dev didn’t care. She welcomed a conversation between her and Crow, one that would never happen—he’d rather go out and look for unruly juveniles than talk to his daughter.

Devorah rolled her eyes and adjusted her dress for good measure. If her coworker—whose name she hadn’t bothered to remember—wanted to run to Sheriff Crow, then she was going to give her something good to say.

“Tell him.”

“I can’t believe you were having sex in here,” she seethed as she pointed into the bathroom.

“Don’t be jealous.” Dev reached for Hayden’s arm and followed him out of the diner. He opened his car door for her. She got in, knowing he’d drive them out of town to finish what they’d started.

At least, she hoped so.

Devorah’s cheeks flushed red at the memory of her first-ever orgasm. It was unexpected and something she didn’t really understand until she talked to Laila about it later. “What was her name? The woman that caught us?”

Hayden shook his head. “I don’t remember. She was only here for the summer, but she knew you were Crow’s kid and threatened to tell him. Shit, I was so scared.”

“Too scared to take me home.” She popped her eyebrow up and then rolled her eyes. “He wouldn’t have done anything to you. He liked you.”

“That’s because he doesn’t know about the things I used to do to his daughter. Even now, if he knew, he’d probably slap the cuffs on me and toss me into the back of the cruiser.”

She looked over her shoulder at the window and saw her dad sleeping. Dev wished he would’ve done that to Chad, or that she’d been smart enough to see through his bullshit.

She leaned her arms and head on her knees and sighed. “Why do men cheat?”

Hayden sighed heavily. “Not all men cheat, Dev. Hell, women cheat too. It’s not something I understand. If you don’t want to be with the person you’re with, leave. I know leaving isn’t always easy, but it’s a hell of a lot easier than disrespecting the person you’ve vowed to love and honor, cherish and forsake all others.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’m pissed on your behalf.”

“I appreciate it.”

A line of cars filled with teens passed by. They were rowdy, yelling out the windows and honking their horns.

“That’ll wake Crow for sure,” Hayden said.

“Yep, he’s always had a knack for disorderly conduct.”

As if on cue, the screen door opened. Devy turned and looked at her dad, standing there with his belly hanging over his waistband, his hands on his hips, and the perpetual scowl on his face that never seemed to go away.

“Who was it?”

Devy and Hayden shrugged.

“I don’t know anyone around here these days,” Devy told her father.

“Same, sir.”

“These damn delinquents. I tell ya, they’re from the city.” The screen door opened and slammed closed behind him. Devy used to jump at the sound when she was little, but it had stopped bothering her by the time she was ten and started annoying her when she was dating Chad. She’d cut her curfew a bit too close one too many times, and because of that door, she could never sneak in.

“Or they just know how to press your buttons,” Dev muttered under her breath. Hayden must’ve heard her because he snickered.

The “city,” as everyone in town referred to it, was forty-five minutes away and where you’d find the big-box stores, the megaplex movie theaters, and the mall. When Dev lived in Oyster Bay, what later became the “city” had been nothing but farmland until a car dealership went in, followed by a chain restaurant. Those two establishments set off a boom of development that included homes, schools, hospitals, and any business you could think of. Some people left small towns like Oyster Bay for the bigger-city life, but a lot stayed. Something about the idyllic life along the water kept people there and brought in tourists.

After a moment of quiet, the storm known as Crow got started when an Oyster Bay cruiser pulled into the driveway. The deputy got out and made his way toward the front door.

“Evening, Devorah,” Miller Farnsworth said as he tipped his hat toward her. The last time Devy had seen Miller, he was hanging his head in embarrassment after he’d asked her to prom. The rejection was his own doing. She’d been with Chad for almost two years at that point.

“Hayden,” Miller said. “Didn’t know you were back in town.”

Devy chuckled. She highly doubted Miller didn’t know. He and Hayden hadn’t been friends in high school; surely someone had told Miller his foe had moved back.

“How’s it going, Miller?” she asked.

“Oh, you know.”

No, Devy didn’t know and was curious. What did that statement even mean when people said it?

“I’m looking for Crow, is he—”

Crow burst through the door with Cordelia hot on his heels and his duty belt slung over his shoulder, making Dev wonder if it even fit around his waist.

“Let’s go, Miller. Stay, Cordelia. Don’t wait up, Devorah.”

As if she would. The sentiment was still nice and appreciated.

Cordelia barked but sat on the porch as she was instructed.

Miller gave Dev one last look and then got behind the wheel of the patrol car. She shook her head as it pulled away and headed in the direction the wild kids had gone. Devy sighed and brought her knees to her chest.

“How come you always sit out front?” Hayden asked her as he leaned back against the stair. Cordelia took advantage of there being someone new to lick and showed Hayden some attention.

It was funny to Devy how Hayden remembered the littlest things about her. She was never a fan of the backyard because of the houses facing the yard. Everyone could see her. Never mind ever getting to lie out in the sun. She had no privacy back there. Even less than the front. At least out front she could hide behind the hydrangeas.

“Back then or now?” She glanced at him. He watched her and smiled when their gazes met.

“Either. Both.”

Devy shrugged. “This is where the action is, and the deck out back needs replacing. Crow doesn’t even let us step on it.”

“Why doesn’t Colt fix it?”

Dev shrugged. “Don’t know.” She looked down the street in the direction of her brother’s establishment. It was late, and most of the businesses had closed. The Lazy Lamb was still open and would be until last call. Then, she imagined, Colt would come home, crawl into bed, and start all over again in the morning.

Cordelia whined to go back inside. Before Devy could get up to open the door for her, Hayden got up and let the dog in.

When Hayden sat back down, Dev noticed he sat closer to her. Normally, she’d shy away or put distance between herself and another man because she wouldn’t want to upset Chad. This time, she didn’t move.

“I’m assuming she’s Crow’s?”

“Colt’s, actually, but she’s pretty obsessed with Maren. She’s been sleeping in her bed since we got here.”

“Dogs can help with grief.”

“Yeah. I like her. She sits with me during the day, when no one is home and I’m alone with my thoughts. She definitely helps.”

“Maybe I should look into getting Conor a dog.”

Devy nodded and leaned her head on her hands. “Can I ask about your wife?”

“It’s not what you’re probably thinking.” Hayden sighed. “Sofia was out one night with her cousin and friends for a bachelorette party. We lived about an hour from town, and I told her to call me when she was ready to come home. I didn’t want her to worry about getting home, and it’s not like we had Uber or anything. I wanted her to go out and have a good time with her friends. To let loose and enjoy the night.” Hayden paused.

“It was midnight when I started calling her. I think I must’ve called every five or ten minutes. Each call went to voicemail. The first couple of calls, I left her messages. Things like, ‘Hey, hon, I hope you’re having fun. Let me know when I should start heading your way.’ And then the frantic ones started. I was worried about her. After an hour, I hopped in my truck. About twenty miles from the ranch, I saw the flares, and then I was at the scene of this one-car accident, and I just knew. Like, deep down, I knew it was her, and my life was going to be changed forever the moment I got out of the truck.

“The car she was in had flipped and landed on the passenger side. She was gone by the time the medics arrived. The kick in the nuts is, Sofia was sober. Her cousin, the one driving, was well past the legal limit and walked away without a scratch.”

“Did she go to jail?”noveldrama

Hayden shook his head. “I’m not sure there will even be a trial. If there is, I won’t be there. It’s one of the reasons we moved. Her family, they’re distraught and they don’t want their niece to go to jail for an accident. Whereas I want her to rot there for stealing away my son’s mother. We don’t see eye to eye, and that put a strain on our relationship. So, I quit my job, moved out of the house my father-in-law had built for us, and came home.”

“I’m sorry, Hayden.”

“Yeah, me too,” he said again. “It’s hardest on Conor. The decision to take him away from his grandparents, the life he had there. I just hope he makes friends here and can thrive.”

“Maren lost her best friend in this mess.”

Hayden looked at Devy. “Maybe her friend can come visit?”

“No, I don’t think that’ll be possible. Her mother is the other woman.”

“Ooh,” Hayden said, drawing out the ooh. “Shit.”

Devorah nodded. “It seems Maren and I are the only ones losing in this situation. I lost my husband, home, business. My friends. Everything I’d built is gone, and everyone knows my dirty laundry thanks to my so-called friend.”

Hayden sighed heavily. “Unfortunately, you’re right about ‘everyone.’”

Her eyes shot to his. “Everyone? Here too?”

He nodded.

“That’s just fucking lovely,” she said as she wiped angrily at the instant tears. “I can’t even escape to my childhood home without this shit following me.”

“I think people here will have your back.”

Devorah scoffed. “Yeah, something tells me my former classmates will take every opportunity to rub it in my face. I wasn’t exactly nice to most of them.”

“We were kids. Kids are assholes,” Hayden said with some laughter. “You gotta keep your head up. Don’t let anyone bring you down.”

“I’m pretty much at the bottom of the barrel, Hayden. I’m not sure how much lower I can go.”

“If it’s any consolation, I haven’t seen the video, and don’t plan to watch it.”

“Thanks. I do appreciate that. Unlucky for me, though, as she’s posted more after the initial one.”

“And you’ve watched them?”

Devy nodded. “It’s like a train wreck—I can’t look away, even though I know it’s about my life. At least she doesn’t say my name. Even though all my friends in Chicago know it’s me. And I guess here as well.”

“Have any of those friends reached out to you?”

“They did, initially, but haven’t since.” Were they truly her friends? Wondering made her feel ten times worse and even more alone.

They sat there on the steps, listening to the foghorn in the distance and the soft melodic cadence of the water crashing against the docks. Every so often a car would drive by and honk, and they could hear people down the street, talking loudly. Mostly, they sat there, saying nothing to each other, just like they’d done many times before back when they were teens. Only now, Devy couldn’t look at Hayden, not with her tearstained face and bloodshot eyes. She wasn’t the girl he remembered.

Back then, she had a voice. She was loud, laughed a lot, and smiled endlessly. Dev couldn’t recall when she’d changed but suspected it was when she went off to college with Chad. It was at Northwestern when he started to assert himself more.

Or she allowed it to happen.

“On Friday, I’m taking Conor into town to buy some cleats. Baseball tryouts are on Saturday. Would you and Maren like to join us?”

Maren would for sure, but the invite was for them both.

Devy risked looking at Hayden.

She opened the door and found Hayden on their front porch. “Colt’s not home,” she told him.

“Damn, okay. Where are you off to?”

“The beach. Wanna come?”

“Are you walking?”

She nodded. “Do you see wheels with my name on them?”

Hayden chuckled. She liked the sound of his laughter. She liked him. More than she should. But he confused her, a lot. Occasionally, they’d make out. It was usually when he was at her house, or they’d find themselves alone somewhere. Being alone was hard, though. Dev was either with Laila or Colt was around, being an annoying brother.

“I’ll drive.”

Hayden opened the car door for her and waited until she was fully in before shutting it. He jogged to the other side, giving Dev a few seconds to stare at him. He was so freaking hot. She couldn’t stand it half the time. She definitely couldn’t stand it when one of the Fleming sisters flirted with him. He was hers.

Well, she wanted him to be. And Devorah thought he would be if it wasn’t for her brother. Colt needed to butt out of her life.

Hayden slipped behind the steering wheel. He smiled at her and then started his car. Instead of turning around and heading to the beach, he drove them out of town.

“What beach are we going to?”

“Jamestown Cove,” he told her. It was a place where they were unlikely to run into anyone. A place where they could act like they were the only two people in the world.

As soon as they were out of Oyster Bay, her hand went to the back of his neck, where she played with the ends of his hair. She wished she knew how to make him fall in love with her.

The words “I love you” or “I’m falling in love with you” played on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to tell him, to put her heart out there and tell him he didn’t have to worry about Colt or her father. That she could handle them.

A horn honked, grabbing her attention.

Devorah tore her gaze away from Hayden and looked out the front window. Colt hung from the window of his truck, hollering at Hayden. Devorah dropped her hand and faced forward, fighting back a wave of tears that threatened to unleash. Life was unfair.

Even before Hayden said the words, she knew they were turning around and following her brother and their friends. She thought about telling him to drop her off at home, but any time with Hayden was time she craved.

Someday, Hayden McKenna would be hers.

She blinked and pushed the memory of their high school days away from her thoughts. Now, when she looked at Hayden, she saw nothing but friendship in his eyes, or least that was what she told herself it was. It was better thinking he wanted to be her friend than to play along in her self-pity game. He knew she was depressed, and he didn’t seem to care.

“That would be lovely,” she told him. “I know Maren would like to see more of where we’re staying.”

“Staying?”

Devorah nodded. “We have a life in Chicago. I have a business and . . .” She trailed off. “Oyster Bay is temporary. It always has been.”

Hayden nodded, and his lips pressed into a thin line. “Well, it’s a date then,” Hayden said and then blanched. “Not like a real date, but one of those ‘I’ll put it in the calendar’ sort of things.”

“I know,” Devy said as she forced a smile.

“Great. I’ll pick you up first, and then we’ll get the kids from school. Does that work?”

She nodded. “Are you leaving now?”

“I can stay,” he told her. “Even if you don’t want to talk.”

“That would be nice, Hayden.” She wanted him to stay, at least until Colt or her father came home. She didn’t like the idea of being alone, even though Maren was upstairs sleeping. There was a certain sense of security that came when a man was in the house, at least for her.